The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

By Jonathon Boroski and Arvind Srinivasan

Last Saturday in Witikon the Zurich Intruders got everything they deserved from the football gods. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

The Good

A shrewdly managed game against cross-town rival Renegades sewed up the fourth seed for the Intruders by way of a nail-biting 48-46 win. Hell bent on besting last year’s shoot out loss to the eventual champions, the Intruders matched their opponents blow for blow, including repeated strikes to Touchdown Toddy and Haidari to temper the Renegades’ west coast attack. 

With minutes to go the Intruders sat 5 points away from glory. Like clockwork, the Intruders marched, as they had all day against the forgiving, ticklish underbelly of last year’s champs. Unlike last year, the Intruders finished their last drive with a touchdown, perhaps too quickly. All of the Intruders caught passes, but Haidari's last put the Intruders up with :14 seconds to play, leaving the Renegades time to mount a game-winning attempt of their own.

Who would be the defensive savior on the season’s last day? Would the Renegades’ hopes crash on the shores of Matthias Island? Would the outstretched arms of French Canadian fury snatch victory from the long arms of defeat? Gamblers would have bet on either those (or a Renegades victory), but on this sunny fall day in September, it was the shortest of odds that hit big on the final play from scrimmage.

2016 League MVP, Attila the No-run, took the snap and surveyed an array of down field options. Alas his receivers were blanketed by a sea of orange and white. Retreating deep into the pocket, the signal caller set up for a desperate final heave as the crowd fell silent. Nary a sound could be heard in Witikon, save for the rustling of autumn leaves and veteran Jim’s sideline banter. And then, a faint pop, followed by a shrill whistle to signal the end of regulation play. The only person more shocked by the whistle than Atti was Juan Sanchez, who had come up with the game winning sack. His teammates stormed the field, hoisting the oft maligned veteran on their shoulders, symbolically placing him in the rarefied air of Frauenfeld flag football greats. This marked the Intruders first regular season win against the Renegades, and summed up a magical season.

The Bad

Sadly, the final game of the day was marred by blown coverages, incomplete passes, poor clock management and reckless abandon. Fighting for their playoff lives, the Soly Rhinos came out swinging (not literally, though that almost came later), scoring on their first drive with relative ease. While the Intruders answered, any hopes of a clean sweep in Witikon started to slip away as the minutes ran and tempers flared on both sides. 

The piston pumping touchdown machine from the first game was slowly replaced by the frustrations, fatigue and ill advised plays that once seemed so 2013. Guay and Cipullo, like the hottie and the nottie of a mid-90s teen rom-com, could never quite hook up on the day, with many a bomb flittering harmlessly through the Rhinos secondary.

The Ugly

An inexcusable horse collar tackle by #81, who was promptly tossed from the match for unsportsmanlike contact unbefitting a non-contact (or contact for that matter) game. Like the tackle, the game got out of hand and the Rhinos booked their playoff ticket to Winterthur with relative ease, 29-20. 

While the Rhinos game served as a bitter end to a magical season, the Intruders look ahead to playoff redemption in Winterthur. One game is guaranteed, but the glory filled promise of two more motivates this Intruders team to wade through injuries, controversies and ill timed vacations to wake up for Saturday’s 10:15 Wild Card tilt. 

To help you sift through the who’s who and relevant Next Gen stats, here is a play-off preview to get you up to speed for Saturday’s action.

Zurich Intruders Playoff Preview EXTRAVAGANZA®

Players to watch

Francis Guay

The multi-talented WR/CB/QB/Safety runs schemes on the field like he runs combs through his hair off the field.

Fun fact: Only uses conditioner imported from a the Balearic Islands, airlifted to his posh Altstetten abode every morning

Peter Lewis

The coach of the year candidate has been reading up on the greats - from Noll to Lombardi. So far he has synthesized their teachings into a pithy slogan - "hydrate."

Fun Fact: Has been tased at not one but 7 anti-meat protests over the course of the season. 

Dave Cipullo

The Intruders' hopes certainly hinge on their veteran QB, who has attributed his success this year to finally upgrading from sneakers to cleats.

Fun Fact: Improves his hip flexibility and evasiveness by dancing to early 90s R&B.

INJURY REPORT

OUT:
Adan Martinez

The "teddy bear" of the team reminded us this week that sometimes you get the teddy bear, and sometimes you get the grizzly bear. And sometimes the grizzly bear corrals the receiver from behind, and is banned from the play-offs.

Rumor is that multi-sport star Air Bud, who was on a recruitment trip to visit the Intruders last week (see team photo) will take over snaps at MLB.

QUESTIONABLE:

Arvind Srinivasan
After a season marred by absences and injury, he is listed as questionable in every category except taco recommendations, where he is listed as on point.

SLEEPERS:

Arvind Srinivasan

Also in this category since he was found sleeping on picnic tables after the end of the Witikon tournament. 

Juan Sanchez
Controversy abounded when it appeared he was kneeling for the national anthem, turns out he was just short.

Matthias

The cornerback has established Matthias Island as the top destination for NFFL receivers looking to take a break from catching passes. He has been stealing hearts and play books (from the Swiss NT) in preparation for the playoffs. In classic Intruders style, the team has refused to practice them.

JB

 -

Given the Intruders' recent injury woes, the stalwart has been doing agility drills in his at-home custom American ninja warrior setup.   

Craig

GOOD TO KNOW:

The Playoff games have been designated as Throwback Saturday, meaning that any Intruders fans rocking the OG fade jerseys are entitled to free entry (but have to watch Dave's kids).

The (Red) Lion Kings

With less than a minute left, both sidelines were tense. Though the Intruders had played 3 quarters of impeccable defense, a few stalled offensive drives meant that the ever-dangerous Red Lions had a chance to pull off a late game comeback. Coach Peter Lewis, he of the famed Canadian temper, was visibly frustrated at his team's inability to close out the game. Assistant Head Coach Juan Sanchez, probably trying to remember his son's birthday party schedule, was stoic, staring at the field like Jim Caldwell. Ex-players Jim Sorboen (seen bantering off the sideline ref) and Patrick Hoza (seen criticizing QB technique and/or eating a sausage) had come to witness history, but it could yet slip away.

Third and long -- the Red Lions needed a big play. QB Hug took the snap. Nickel corner Archie Haidari blitzed, while regular pass rusher Arvind Srinivasan dropped into coverage. Disoriented, Hug threw deep towards star receiver Bachmann, now covered by Srinivasan. Both jumped for the ball. Silence, and then an eruption -- Intruders CB Matthias Pfiffner had the ball, and the Intruders had pulled off the unlikely victory, final score 32-20. In a play that will surely soon be a fixture on ESPN's Top 10 show, Pfiffner, who had started the play in man coverage on the right hand side, read the flight of the ball, and came across to win a 4 person jump ball in front of the middle of the end zone. A spectacular play from a player who has been mocked in these very pages for, as an anonymous fan says, "hands more slippery than an eel coated in butter that has been taking lessons from Roger Goodell on how to answer questions about concussions." Pfiffner, who is also a national team starter at CB, has promised to give us a tour of his new apartment in pick city.

And yet, despite the 4th quarter heroics, the game was won much earlier. The orange and gray usually employ the swiss defense, insofar as their secondary is more porous than a block of emmentaler cheese against top opposition. However, with their five first choice defensive players on the field, they operated with swiss precision. After a shaky first play, where the intruders let a red lion behind the secondary, General Guay reorganized and from there on they were lights out. A pair of interceptions from Srinivasan and CB Jeff Sullivan, along with a few fourth down stops, enabled by the Haidari one-man flag-grabbing wrecking crew, meant that the Intruders were holding the usually explosive Red Lions offense at bay. On offense, though lacking the big-play ability from absent starting QB Dave Cipullo, the Intruders were moving the ball mistake-free, notably through wheel routes from the elusive Haidari and seam routes from big center / TE Todd Teubert. And before the half, a remarkable (and lucky) offensive drive involving a tip drill to Haidari and a jump ball to Guay in the back of the end zone gave the Intruders both a cushion and an important mental advantage. This victory will put potential playoff opponents on alert -- having not yet played a game with a full roster, the Intruders are in good shape going into September.

Riding the high of their first victory, the Intruders went into game 2 against the Knights high in confidence. Teubert took over at QB and the Intruders showed the depth of their squad, with WR Michelle Bridenbaker exploding onto the scene with a number of touchdowns, and MLB Adan Martinez locking down the middle of the field on defense despite a few hands related penalties ranging from holding to illegal contact. Even after a few silly interceptions, the Intruders would win 58-14.

Additional Notes:

- After missing all of the offseason program while holding out for a new contract, player/coach Juan Sanchez stepped into the Red Lions game for exactly one play, committing a blitz block penalty that killed the Intruders' drive. In the first play of the next game, Sanchez lined up at center for a trick play, and snapped the ball towards the sideline. Sanchez will need to cut out distractions like ref duty or bribe his teammates with beers and favorable fantasy football trades if he wants to make it back into the starting lineup. 

- After a reasonable debut game at pass rusher, Srinivasan had a game to forget against the Knights. He injured his shoulder on early game sack of the Neuchatel QB, then lowered the shoulder for an illegal hit in another pass rush, causing Coach Lewis to pull him from the game. One wonders whether these violent tendencies are related to the mysterious suspension that caused Srinivasan to miss the first half of the season. Srinivasan came back in late in the game at CB to concede a TD in man coverage and was seen drinking away his sorrows while refereeing the final game of the day.