As it turns out, the story involves childbirth, injuries, and tomato juice, but you'll have to read on to find out how. First, let's address the rest of the league.
Playoffs? Playoffs???
The stage was set: 6 teams would battle for non-contact football primacy on the hallowed grounds of Deutweg in Winterthur, home to historic sporting events like the 2016 Swedish youth track preliminaries (earlier that morning) and the 2015 NFFL playoffs. Though the hometown Red Lions, as reigning champions, were undoubted favorites, 3 Zurich teams had made the long trip, and each would have a strong presence on the podium after all was said and done. The Renegades took the trophy back to Witikon and the Mockingbirds received 3rd place because the Intruders had more important things to do than play for the NFFL’s Miss Congeniality award, but the Intruders swept all the (non-awarded) awards for intangibles, including “most attractive,” “most orange,” "most likely to drink a beer between games", and "least likely to understand the concept of blitz block."
For the most detailed account of the final, you should read my friend J.B. Boroski's (Jonathon Boroski Boroski) excellent ground reporting here.
Intruding on Winterthur
However, let’s return to that cold morning in Winterthur, where coaches Lewis and Sanchez needed a game plan for their 1st round matchup against the St Gallen Vipers, to whom they had suffered an ignominious 55-7 blowout merely 2 weeks prior. Adding to that pressure, the Intruders' only prior playoff appearance ended in a defeat to theVipers two years ago. Three kombuchas later, the two hammered out a 3 slide powerpoint presentation with the keys to victory, based on intensive opposition scouting and film study.
At a rare midweek practice session closed to the press, 6 Intruders jockeyed for space with a women’s softball team, practicing those 3 slides (their league issued Microsoft Surfaces apparently still in the mail) with rarely seen precision. While Coach Sanchez was happy to share his strategy and insights from the impromptu dress rehearsal , the quote is far too long to print here. However, sources close to the team have informed me that the star of the practice session was Jim Sorboen, whose scout team impression of NFFL Offensive Player of the Year D’Amico was “so on point that we thought he had a lead footed ginger doppelganger.”
On gameday, the Intruders would be subject to that old adage: “the best laid plans of mice and men often go into labor.” Indeed, season co-MVP Francis Guay was a morning scratch due to morning sickness. There was a pregnant pause as Coach Lewis relayed the news that their starting wide receiver would miss their second playoff berth.
However, no one circles the wagons like the Zurich Intruders. Both sides started by exchanging hard fought scores, with the Vipers jumping out to an early 7-6 lead. Cipullo leaned heavy on stalwarts season co-MVP Haidari and Srinivasan, as well as center Teubert, moving down the field easily and matching St. Gallen blow for blow. As the game wore on, however, it would be the Intruders defense that set the tone and won the day.
During the regular season, the Vipers had boasted the NFFLs highest scoring offense, but it slowed as the first half unfolded. Cipullo surgically maneuvered down the field for another touchdown, and a long strike to Jeff Sullivan put Zurich up several scores going into the half. The Intruders seemed well on their way to post-season glory as they hydrated on the halftime sidelines.
Drama rode as an unwelcome sidekick throughout the Intruders playoff march, and the wildcard game proved no exception. St. Gallen, as expected, made several second half adjustments, and slowly reignited their once misfiring offensive attack. The teams opened the second half as they began the first, trading scores and stops in equal measure.
A series of unfortunate events would swing momentum in favor of the Vipers and fans hoping for a closer contest. The “all-star” crew of referees called a tight game that flew in the face of logic and competence, leaving drive killing chaos in their yellow flagged wake. An incidental flag guarding here, an accidental whistle there each stopped a long Intruders drive, and cast a faint lifeline to the toothless Vipers.
On top of questionable officiating, the Intruders suffered a key injury to a defensive centerpiece. CB Mathias Pfiffner, tasked with covering the league’s leading receiver, came down hard while defending a deep pass. He would be forced off the field with a lower back injury, doubtful to return.
With his best defender gone, Sanchez shifted Sullivan outside, where he snagged two picks, and reshuffled his troops using a Nelson/Boroski/Sanders defensive hydra that filled in admirably to hold the lead.
Still, only a meticulous Intruder drive could ensure their first playoff win. A controversial whistle on a long strike to Haidari eventually escalated to a personal foul by the Vipers. However, since the whistle had been prematurely blown, the Intruders got the penalty yardage, which only put them at midfield instead of their rightful place in the St. Gallen red zone.
Three downs came and quickly went, and on fourth down, the Intruders needed a touchdown to stave off the Vipers undeserved yet nonetheless potential comeback. With a blitzer hanging off of him, Cipullo floated a Montana-esque pass into the outstretched hands of his receiver for what seemed the game clinching score.
Ever drama queens, the Intruders defense, so solid all day, quickly surrendered a long bomb TD with a minute to play, forcing their offense back onto the field for one last drive to glory.
Once more, Cipullo found Teubert on a series of designed plays and marched the ball to midfield. On fourth and inches, Cipullo faked the shuffle pass and caught the Vipers napping, as Sullivan’s long catch and run sealed the Intruders first playoff victory, 41-28.
For the injury riddled Intruders, their globally televised semi-final matchup against defending champion Winterthur Red Lions served more as an epilogue than the climax to their 2016 season. Although the offense started well, matching the Red Lions’s high tempo attack with long TDs of their own, the defense sputtered. After a banged-up Pfiffner exited the game for good, the Red Lions hit a groove and jumped to a 2 TD lead. The Intruders kept pace, scoring on each subsequent drive, but the Red Lions did as well, maintaining their advantage. To add injury to insult, Srinivasan, who had caught multiple TDs as well as surrendered a few, bowed out with a leg injury, as did Sanchez soon after.
Though the Intruders’ depth performed admirably, including chain moving grabs for Sanders and Sorboen and important defensive snaps for Teubert, Boroski, and Nelson, it was too little too late. The Red Lions victory formation signaled the end of their semi-final. Depleted and dehydrated, the Intruders chose to forgo the unnecessary third place game and rode off into the sunset (and towards the nearest taqueria).
10 Things I Think
1. “Family” was the centerpiece of Coach Lewis’s pre-game motivational message. He even made his team chant “family” after their first victory. I think this reminds me of Vin Diesel in the Academy Award snubbed series The Fast and Furious.